I’m a fairly happy, positive person. I tend to see the proverbial glass half full, am able to laugh at myself, and don’t take life too seriously. But none of that applies while I’m grinding.
While I’m a talkative person in real-life, it’s not the case during sessions, as I only speak to accomplish one of two things:
1) Verbalizing my thoughts: For whatever reason, talking out-loud about a hand helps me make better decisions
2) Complain: Often, in the form of cursing
It initially seemed to me that I curse for a variety of reasons, but it all boils down to spots where other players have taken equity from me. Shoved Jacks and ran into Queens? Fuck. Called a river bet to be shown the nuts? Shit. Got a brutal suckout on the bubble? Son of a Bitch.
During those reallllllly bad sessions, I can feel myself literally heat up, as if the blood is actually boiling inside me. I’m obviously in a much worse mood when I’m losing (Who isn’t?) but once that final game ends, I pride myself on leaving the bad vibes behind. Normally all I need is a few minutes to relax and for those rare times where I don’t feel like myself, I opt for a shower in hopes I can wash all that negativity off me.
Recently, my girlfriend visited me in Mexico. She’s fully aware of what I do but so far I had managed to hide that not so cheerful work-persona from her. When I was in Vancouver, she’d show up at the tail end of my sessions or after I’ve had a chance to decompress. Wasn’t able to do that this time, as she was present during the grind and saw the frustration in real-time. She heard several curse words, some exasperation, and perhaps even a fist slam or too.
(Side note: The fist slam is self-explanatory — I slam my fist on the desk — and basically the most violent I get. Funniest part about it tho is that normally my desk is cluttered with stuff, so I take a few seconds to carefully move items out of the way and then I proceed to HULK SMASH.)
My girlfriend said it “wasn’t even that bad,” but the fact that poker could have had even the slightest negative impact on her time here is upsetting to me. I guess a lot of people bring their work home with them but that doesn’t mean I should be okay with being one of those people. Let’s be clear — I’m not okay with it. The people that come home after a long hard day of work and take it out on their friends, family, spouse, etc are selfish douchebags. Personally, I hate the idea of variance related negativity bleeding over and infecting my everyday life. The people around me deserve better and for that reason, I do my absolute best to leave all the bad beats, coolers, misclicks, monetary losses, and other various day-to-day frustrations at the computer.
But for a second, I slipped up. Thankfully she understood and helped me bounce back into the positive person I normally am. Well, she didn’t do it all by herself. She had some help. After my session ended we left my apartment, took a walk down 5th Avenue in search of solace, and found it in the form of this beauty.
Churros! Oh that sugary treat did wonders for my state of mind. Moral of the story? Eat your feelings.